Looking At What I Have

I’m having a hard time.  The reality that my youngest son is starting school in about 5 weeks is sometimes overwhelming for me.  I’ve been a full-time stay-at-home mom for 8 years now and have spent alot of time with two very wonderful little boys.  Sure, there have been days when there’s more yelling than laughing, when I’m exhausted before breakfast, when  I wished I was the one heading out to work in the mornings instead of my husband, and when the monotony of routine caused the days to blur for months at a time.  But there is a whole other side to raising kids that I’m going to miss while they’re busy at school, and the many other things that will continue to fill their days as they grow up.

It’s the unexpected, the awe, the surprise, the wonder, the spontaneity, the FUN.  There’s still a huge part of me that actually WANTS to change diapers still and wade through more sleepless nights – because that means I would also get more first words, first steps, and first smiles.  There would be more rocking babies to sleep, and peek-a-boo, and walks with the stroller.  It’s safe to say I’m in a bit of a difficult stage of letting go.

So I’m trying hard to look at WHAT I HAVE instead of what I DON’T HAVE.  I don’t have any more babies in the house, but I do have two wonderful boys with whom I still share an abundance of time.  I’m sure I will learn more and more games and activities as they continue to grow up, and there will be lots of fun with those!  I have a constant source of imaginary battle scenes (and sometimes I get to be the princess and just let my heroes take out all the bad guys!), I have interesting talks about God, I have bike rides, I have more time in the camper, I have more chances to volunteer in the community and at the school, and I have some much-anticipated time to myself to think and write and do “Anna” stuff.  I still have lots of time for tickle fights and neighbourhood walks, and I still have the summers with my boys (until they start going to camp – but let’s not go there right now!).

So I’m trying to see past the mourning of a phase in my life that I REALLY enjoyed.  And I know it’s not over, my boys aren’t heading off to university just yet, but I MISS them already.  I’m learning to let that spur me on to grab hold of the next phase of raising these boys of mine – to squeeze all I can out of the days that are coming, to live in the present instead of the past.  Hard though. 

And I’ve already told friends and family that Auntie Anna would be more than happy to babysit any future babies that are coming.  So make sure you take me up on that ladies!

Enjoy the days you get to spend with whatever young ones are in your life…


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