Looking At What I Have

I’m having a hard time.  The reality that my youngest son is starting school in about 5 weeks is sometimes overwhelming for me.  I’ve been a full-time stay-at-home mom for 8 years now and have spent alot of time with two very wonderful little boys.  Sure, there have been days when there’s more yelling than laughing, when I’m exhausted before breakfast, when  I wished I was the one heading out to work in the mornings instead of my husband, and when the monotony of routine caused the days to blur for months at a time.  But there is a whole other side to raising kids that I’m going to miss while they’re busy at school, and the many other things that will continue to fill their days as they grow up.

It’s the unexpected, the awe, the surprise, the wonder, the spontaneity, the FUN.  There’s still a huge part of me that actually WANTS to change diapers still and wade through more sleepless nights – because that means I would also get more first words, first steps, and first smiles.  There would be more rocking babies to sleep, and peek-a-boo, and walks with the stroller.  It’s safe to say I’m in a bit of a difficult stage of letting go.

So I’m trying hard to look at WHAT I HAVE instead of what I DON’T HAVE.  I don’t have any more babies in the house, but I do have two wonderful boys with whom I still share an abundance of time.  I’m sure I will learn more and more games and activities as they continue to grow up, and there will be lots of fun with those!  I have a constant source of imaginary battle scenes (and sometimes I get to be the princess and just let my heroes take out all the bad guys!), I have interesting talks about God, I have bike rides, I have more time in the camper, I have more chances to volunteer in the community and at the school, and I have some much-anticipated time to myself to think and write and do “Anna” stuff.  I still have lots of time for tickle fights and neighbourhood walks, and I still have the summers with my boys (until they start going to camp – but let’s not go there right now!).

So I’m trying to see past the mourning of a phase in my life that I REALLY enjoyed.  And I know it’s not over, my boys aren’t heading off to university just yet, but I MISS them already.  I’m learning to let that spur me on to grab hold of the next phase of raising these boys of mine – to squeeze all I can out of the days that are coming, to live in the present instead of the past.  Hard though. 

And I’ve already told friends and family that Auntie Anna would be more than happy to babysit any future babies that are coming.  So make sure you take me up on that ladies!

Enjoy the days you get to spend with whatever young ones are in your life…

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2 comments

  1. Ya… I still have babies in the home… but I’m struggling with going back to work when my not even 4-year old starts school in 2 weeks and my babe is heading to daycare… I’m already missing my amazing summer off with them… I’d say the last 4 months have been my best with the kids… much time spent outside where less distractions lie and so much fun is to be had… lots of visiting and spontaneous day trips to the beach, the zoo and fun in our backyard! I pray that we can limit the rushing around and hyper-scheduled life this year by reducing the formal lessons/activities leaving us with more time to relax and have fun together… I too miss them already…

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  2. I can truly relate to what you are sharing so openly and currently experiencing! I had to that more than 18 years ago with my daughter Julie but I learned like you are now to look at what I have instead of not haves. I began looking forward to the excitement on her face when she would come home and share the new world of the classroom but most of all I cherished the huge hugs and grand smiles as she saw me at the bus stop or in the school yard. Those are the things I treasured most when I look back.
    But now, I find myself thinking of those things all over again as I watch Joshua – soon to be three in October. When all the posters were out this past February to register your child for school, I felt a huge kick in my gut as I realized that I will be doing just that NEXT February.
    Funny how all those years ago and all that I have learned since then, I still get that very same feeling you describe here. Every day parents are going through these same emotions but it doesn’t seem to make it any better for us as moms. It is good to talk about it though as we realize that we are not the only ones and we are not going ‘crazy’.
    I look forward to continued discoveries and the shared adventures! Blessings

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