All Kinds of Tired & Gratitude Community – December 12/10

It’s been a long fall season.  A long time of putting things to rest, of allowing things to sleep in me, of giving the things of life over to God, again and again, for Him to cover with His pure-white blanket of love for me.  Letting His snow come and cover me, flake by flake, until nothing but His pure-white blanket of love remains.

And I am all kinds of tired.  Tired of money issues that left us scrambling for a time:

  • $4000 stolen just like that out of our bank account.  Its return is promised, but not yet complete. 
  • A van that cost more than it should have two years ago, was supposed to last at least another 3 years while we saved up cash for the next vehicle – suddenly falling apart – transmission, brakes, doors, steering – all within a month.   We hoped to get a few thousand from its sale in a few years; instead we get $450 and owe $300 to the transmission shop. 
  • The finishing touches on the home renovations – flooring, doors, trim – cost double the labour it was originally quoted because nothing in this old house of ours is level and nothing is a quick job and when you start a project, ten more unfold.

And I know I just have to let go.

And I’m tired of the confusion – what do I do with myself now that both my boys are in school full-time?  Society tells me I should be out working a full-time job and earning money for vacations and cottages and RRSPs and more, more, more.  Meanwhile as I take on a part-time lunch room supervisor job at my boys’ school I realize how little I have left for home at the day’s end.  And I feel in my soul that it’s not working out.

And I know I just have to let go.

I’m tired of rejection letters from publishers for my book about pregnancy loss – after only one I was tired, two leaves me more weary, yet I will keep going.  The words I wrote out two years ago have helped so many already, and God’s plan for the words is coming to fruition even if I never get published.  

And I know I just have to let go.

And I’m tired of sickness in our family – tomorrow morning at 4:45 I will wake up and then wake our younger son and I will get him ready for the hospital and dental surgery.  It’s not such a big deal except that I’ve been to the hospital one too many times this year and the last visit with one of my boys ended with air-lifting to another city and days and days of holding-my-breath illness before he turned a corner for the better.

And I know I just have to let go.

In this season of putting things to rest, of allowing things to sleep in me, of giving the things of life over to God, again and again – it has been my prayer, my heart’s cry to see the good.  I know it’s there because I know God is there and I know He is good, no matter what, He is good.  So I look for Him, for the good, and He opens my eyes, and I see Him, always, no matter what.  Even when I don’t want to.

Flake by flake, prayer by prayer, one sighting of Him at a time, His pure-white blanket of love covers all I see, all the things in my life that would drag me down so effortlessly if I let them.  I fight – to hold onto Him, to hold onto the good – because it is all I can do to get through the long season of fall and enter into a season of rest and pure-white goodness and being covered by His love.

One of the ways I hold on to the good is by counting the blessings with this online Gratitude Community:

holy experience

121.  Snow, snow, snow down on me!

122.  Hosting a neighbourhood Christmas Party and it went really well!

123.  Husband who works hard in his role as a pastor and God honours that hard work always.

124.  Delivering a senior’s Christmas basket today with Josh and the boys to a wonderful lady in a nursing home – her tears of happiness and her hugs and her smile were SO amazing!

125. Dreams of toboganning – SOON!

126. Snow day yesterday – the boys chose to go to school and had so much fun with the few kids that were there – so glad they just had FUN at school, trying not to be offended that they didn’t want to stay home with mommy!

127.  Early birthday gift from Josh – an exercise bike (I actually WANTED this, so no getting mad at my hubby) – I put it together (I’m so handy now from all the home renos, I tell ya), lifted it up two flights of stairs on my own (I’m also buff now too) and proceeded to try it out as I looked out my bedroom window at the amazing view I love.

128.  Finally getting Elijah in for his dental surgery tomorrow to remove the tooth with the abscess – we’ve been waiting for three months!

129.  My boys – quite simply – they bless me to no end – really and truly.

130.  Blogging to get it all out.

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2 comments

  1. Hey, Sweet Anna. I know we’ve only barely written a few words to each other, but I love you and I love your heart and I’m so sorry for all the tiredness and weariness and things just not going as planned. Thank you for being honest and real. I am praying for you.

    Jesus, please be with Anna and her family right now. They need you, they need your provision, they need your comfort. Thank you for freely giving to your children.

    Come, snow-white blanket! 🙂 I will keep praying.

    Like

  2. I can so relate to life just not going as you feel it should. Praying with you that things get a little easier… and that some of the confusion ends (I’m right there myself with a little one heading to kindergarten next year and contemplations of what should be next). I also just wanted to encourage you to keep going on publishing that book… pregnancy loss is such an important topic to me… the more books out there, the more awareness just that it *happens*, unfortunately more often than so many know… is so important. Praying blessings (and peace) on your week.

    Like

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